Verbal Diarrhea

I'm going to be honest. My mouth sometimes gets me into trouble. I have the tendency to say what I am thinking or crack a joke without actually working through the consequences of my vebal outpour. Most of the time it is well-received and clearly said with the best of intentions. Most people I know, know my heart and understand where I am coming from. Here is the punch to the gut though. The internet. When it comes to blogging, facebook, email, etc., that is when I get into real trouble. I say the same things that I would in person, except they are in print. People can read them over and over again. It can catch you on a bad day. You can't read the sarcasm or frivolity unless I type (sarcasm) or (said frivolously and without seriousness.) Do you see where I'm headed here? The internet has made it easy to say and feel everything, and not only that but to document it. And the biggest problem is that it lives on. We can delete it, but we have already given worlds of people the opportunity to absorb it. They comment on it, and give their unneeded opinion as well. But when you put it out there, you are asking for it. There have been several ocassions where I have found myself in hot water. Times where I have blogged in a fit of pregnancy hormones and frustration. Work didn't like that too much. There have been emails sent out, completely misconstrued due to the lack of emotional and interactive context. There have been posts or status updates that prompted hurtful and threatening responses. And I wonder where this all gets us. Its great that technology allows us to track and share so much, but I'm beginning to wonder how much it is negatively affecting relationships. Its alot easier to get upset with someone if they text or email you and you read into it wrong, than if they speak with you and you can hear genuine sincerity in their voice. Even better if you talk with someone in person,feel the emotion in their words, and see it on their faces. I've made a strong effort to control my verbal diarrhea and to save drafts of posts in my blog to re-read before throwing them into cyber space. Still, I have my moments. I guess this blog is to urge people, including myself to not only think long and hard about what they put out into this mess of cyber-world, but to also think long and hard about who is saying what. If you know a person and you are terribly upset by something random they threw on their blog or your Facebook page, remember who they are. Remember their heart. Don't let the clickety clack of the key board be the basis for your judgement. Know your friends, know their hearts, and take a breath before you let their printed word upset you.

Time flies

As I am rounding the bend to a 3rd birthday for my wonderful daughter, I can't help but worry about time going by way too fast. It wasn't long ago that she was a helpless infant lying in my arms. Now she is this strong-willed, creative, imaginative little imp that exudes a strange confidence I have never seen in a little girl before. I wonder where she came from? Truly, I wonder who she will be. She is adventurous and sassy, and I can't believe that she has already been with us nearly 3 whole years. . .I thank God for her every day. I pray to God for patience for her every day. She is trying and silly and funny and smart. She is everything I could have hoped for in a daughter, and also something more that I dreamed. I love this girl with a fierceness that I had not known until she existed. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I just hope that I can do right by her.

Change, change, and more change

Ok, so I'm trying to work through some mentally trying things the past few weeks. There is just so much going on lately, and its really begun to affect my mood. Normally, I think its fair to describe me as perky, optimistic, obnoxiously hilarious, etc. But lately I've been flat out crabby, irritable, and at times, I can admit, pretty unpleasant to be around. Try as I might, I just can't seem to put a finger on it. There is no one thing pushing me to be so crabby, its just the state I'm in as of late. What is even more frustrating is that I can't fix it. I try to will myself into pleasantness, coax myself into a smile and instead of happy, I find myself to be angry for having to try to push myself into being pleasant when I want to just bite someone's head off. I've wondered if its lack of sleep, but really, my kids sleep through the night almost every night, with the ocassional sickness or bad dream busting things up. I've wondered if its some other stress, but I don't think that's it either. So I'll just keep pushing forward in hopes that the things around me get better. I'll pray so that my soul gets nourished, and I'll try to soak up what is left of the nice weather we have been having, before the weather itself is enough to push me into a lack of Vitamin D induced coma. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What did you do about it??

Held

God knows. He holds us. When everything is falling apart. He holds us.

When the Rain is Blowing in Your Face. . .

And the whole world is on your case, I would recommend NOT trying to go to East Aurora High School to get the H1N1 vaccine at the free Kane County Health Department clinics. A friend at work warned me before I left, suggested what I will be getting into by trying to get one. She followed up the comment by letting me know it would be nothing compared to government run health care. I laugh now after today's experience. Jeremy, the kids and I loaded into the car and headed over to the high school to take care of business. What is normally a 4 minute drive took nearly 20 minutes. Once we got within viewing distance of the high school, it was made clear that there would be no parking allowed in the parking lots, or within a block of the school. So Jeremy dropped Miles and I off at the first place he could, and left with Maggie to park the car. Miles and I walked nearly 2 blocks, trying to figure out where we were supposed to be. With consent forms pre-filled out and signed in my hand, I wandered in the cold rain with my asthmatic baby, thinking I would be doing what was best for him. When we finally made it around the building, to what appeared to be the line, we stood in it for five minutes before finding out that we were in the wrong line. This was the second line. First we were to go to the Field House building and stand in line, in the rain to possiby receive a bracelet. I walked halfway through the lot we were in, headed toward the Field House line before I realized that the line was at least a block long. At that point, I gave up. I figured that I was more likely to get sick standing in the rain with my asthmatic self and my asthmatic baby, than I was by not getting the shot. I left the chaos of this "health department organized" shot clinic discouraged and upset by all involved in this shoddy plan. Here are a few tips for the Kane County Health Departments Future Clinics:

1. Signs are helpful -
People are like cattle. If you give them a little direction, they will go where you want them to.

2. Indoor waiting is acceptable -
Just a thought, but everyone in the high risk category is also put at risk by being out in the cold rain. For example, people with health problems such as mine, should probably try to keep warm and dry.

3. Assign parking lots -
Parking lots are for parking. Or at least thats what they used to be for. Trekking 2-3 blocks in the rain on top of standing in line is even harder for people with asthma.

4. Perhaps take a cue from DuPage County -Appointments ease chaos. If people can stagger their presence, it will make things easier for everyone. This survival of the fittest business is for animals.

5. Don't have clinics - If you make the shots available through doctors' offices you keep better control over the dispensal of the shots, ensuring that people getting them genuinely are in the high risk categories. Its a lot easier to lie to a questionnaire and get away with it, than to your doctor.

I am highly displeased by my experience with the Kane County Health Department, or better put, my lack of experience with them. As someone with a need for the shot, I walk away feeling let down by the health department and the government.

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

Round my parts is pretty much common knowledge at this point, that one of my brothers, has made some poor choices. Choices which led their ex-girlfriend to immaculate conception. I'm not sure how he did it. But that is the only explanation, as it is beyond my comprehension for it to have happened any other way. Nonetheless, I am uber-disappointed, and really trying to work through my feelings about this one. It is officially official, that I have never been called and told that I would be an aunt, and have it be an exciting and joyous occasion. I'm still hoping that one day it will. I'm sure it will.

At this point I am feeling confusion, and a whole lot of anger. You do what you can to prepare young people to make the best decisions, and even the ones you think you can count on, are bound to screw up. Of screw someone else. Whatever the case may be. The thing I am struggling with most, are my feelings toward this girl. With my other siblings, I at least wasn't completley thrown for a loop. They had been dating their others for quite a while. They weren't stable by any means, but I could make sense of it. This situation is beyond me. A short relationship. A girl that I have yet to figure out, and can't bring myself to really like. I'm trying, but its harder now. And I have this nagging feeling that it was an intentional play, you know, the oldest trick in the book? And by the time he receieved the news, they were broken up, and to this point remain so.

I'll admit, after a dinner at a friend's and a couple of glasses of wine, I got fed up with the Facebook fodder on the subject and left some unsavory remarks. I ended up emailing and apologizing, but is it terrible that I still feel slight vindication? I know that I need to push forward and work on being the person I am made to be, and not the one I feel like, but that just gets harder and harder. Its so hard to be nice to someone that you can't seem to tolerate. I've been there before, and I'll manage again. If someone could give me wise counsel on this matter, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, its not easy to be the bigger person, especially when you are only 5 feet tall.

I hope and mostly pray for God's leadership and guidance for my actions in this matter. I hope and pray more for theirs. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, but what I can't do is let that overshadow this new being, that deserves the best of things despite the situation. God still makes good of all things. He always has, and He always will. I just wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't question His ways.

What's flub got to do with it?

Its got a whole heck of a lot to do with it, thats what. So I'm about to go there on post-baby weight. If you aren't interested, look away. Besides, thats what I do every day as I get dressed. I look away. I cringe, and look away. Whoever, said that to lose weight after the second baby was harder, was dead right, and I think I might despise them a little for it.

After Maggie, I was back into pre-pregnancy clothes about a month after she was born. Maybe a little less. I was able to zip my pre-preggo jeans and sneak her over to the work Christmas party. This is probably a little bit out of the ordinary for most new moms, but I only gained 15 pounds with her due to extreme food aversions. I felt great, and was actually slightly thinner than before I had a baby. Thank you piggy daughter that wanted to eat every 2 hours. You were my lifesaver.

Now to Miles. With Miles I gained the normal 30ish pounds. For some reason, Miles made me like things I didn't like before being pregnant, including cake and bacon. Now I love both. Miles, you are my nemesis. I am still hanging onto more than several pounds and cannot even pull on my pre-pregoo jeans, much less zip them. I'm discouraged and frustrated. I can't afford a new, flattering wardrobe, so I make due on a mix of fat clothes and maternity clothes. UGH! Its awful. I've heard the old adage, it takes 9 monts to put it on, same to take it off. Miles is 10 months old now. What happened? I don't eat excessively, but am still nursing, and thus hungry the majority of the time. I've heard that when you are nursing, your body holds on to a few pounds until you stop, as a back up for baby. I hope to God thats true, because I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I can't do a really low cal diet either, due to the nursing. I guess I have to exercise my patience, which is terribly difficult when it comes to not having anything to wear. Seriously. Help. If someone could tell me where to squeeze in a few trips to the gym between, work, caring for the kids, and Jer's work schedule, I would gladly take a pointer. I simply can't bear the thought of waking up at 5 to go to the gym before I start my day. That sounds like PURE TORTURE. I feel like its hard enough to get up at 6:30 with the kids.

I don't know how to end this entry. Thats pretty much all I have to say.